One of the most dangerous things we can do to our beliefs is to become an intimate friend with someone those beliefs exclude.
Once we get to know the humanity of a person initially regarded as too different from ourselves—learning of their needs, hopes, fears, and values—we see how much we share in common and how much more like family we really are. A powerful bond may form. We are then confronted with a dilemma: our experience and connection with this person do not align with those exclusionary beliefs. Do we change our relationship to accommodate our beliefs, or do we change our beliefs to include this person in our circle of care?
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That dilemma is deepened when our self-image, sense of identity, and need for acceptance by our group (and God) are rigidly entwined with and defined by those beliefs. In this state of mind, a challenge to our beliefs can feel like a serious psychological or even existential threat. The relationships we have with those we share beliefs with are also threatened by the possibility that we might embrace someone that the people in our group will not, which might lead to us being rejected as well. In this light, it can be understood that people with certain exclusionary beliefs avoid getting too closely acquainted with those who don’t “belong” in order to avoid this moral dilemma.
It could be argued that people don’t usually join belief systems because of how they exclude certain categories of people. They join them to meet their need for belonging, meaning, and transcendence. Once their social and existential needs are being met, the discovery that the belief system excludes certain categories of people might be uncomfortable but not intolerable, as long as they don’t have to participate in rejecting anyone personally.
But what happens when we share an accidental bond with a stranger, or one of our loved ones is discovered to be one of those excluded? We are then forced to face the dilemma. I’ve read stories of believers who have rigidly held onto their beliefs and turned against the bond, as well as stories where the believers walked away from their beliefs to remain bonded to the excluded one. And, I’ve read stories of those who have joined others in a modified belief system that allows them to keep both.
Some questions we can ask ourselves: Are we willing to become a close friend to someone unlike ourselves? What is the hope or fear behind our response? What needs might be pitted against each other? What are we potentially losing and potentially gaining if we follow through with our choice?
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